


your love could be too much

by Like_A_Dove



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Actor Ben Solo, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bestie Finn, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Loss of Virginity, Rey is now a famous podcaster, a sprinkling of smut to keep things spicy, two exes still disgustingly in love having to keep their composure after a long time apart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-25 23:13:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17130524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Like_A_Dove/pseuds/Like_A_Dove
Summary: Rey, the successful host of the award-winning confessional podcastThe Best Policy, sits down with a new guest, world famous actor Ben Solo.Except these two are already well acquainted. He broke her heart seven years ago.





	your love could be too much

**Author's Note:**

  * For [six4au](https://archiveofourown.org/users/six4au/gifts).



Rey Johnson celebrates her 19th birthday alone, working the closing shift by herself at _Plutt’s Used Books and Accessories_.

 _Accessories_ being a lose term. More like _garbage_. Her former foster father turned boss will snatch anything that can be of value, so Rey can take one glance at any old toy, video game controller, or comic book and tell you what kind of price it can probably fetch. 

It’s precisely why Plutt pushes her to run the store every waking moment she’s not in class. She’s the only one he can trust to make him money while he squanders away in his apartment on the second floor, drinking himself to death.

Which means Rey is working alone on her birthday. She’d gone to the grocery store before the store opened and bought herself a cupcake. A big one with pink frosting and rainbow sprinkles, something happy and bright and cheery. Something that would make Rey smile when she ate it later, working on her schoolwork late into the night until she’d pause for a few hours of sleep before her 8am class.

Rey has a scholarship to one the best journalism programs in the nation. She’d worked hard to get it, and if she keeps working at Plutt’s, keeps sleeping and showering in the unfinished basement, by the time she graduates she might just be able to make her escape from this place.

Even still, right now she is a lonely birthday girl with a solitary cupcake to show for it.

She’s leaning against the countertop by the cash register, textbook and notes sprawled across the open space. Plutt usually doesn’t allow her to work on schoolwork while she’s clocked-in, but he’s likely already drank himself into a stupor for the rest of the night.

She’s eyeing the clock, beginning to count down the final handful of minutes until they close—

 _He_ walks in.

And Rey has never seen him before. She thinks she’d remember if she had. He’s tall, unnecessarily so, and broad. The door to the front entrance dings before closing softly behind him, and in a blink of an eye he’s striding over to her, expression not particularly friendly.

“You have coffee?” he asks gruffly.

Rey doesn’t process his question at first. She’s stunned by his physical presence, by the way the icy January air seems to drape itself over him, making her shiver. He’s…he’s lovely, she thinks. Handsome in a way she doesn’t see too often and with intelligent, sad eyes.

She’s suddenly very self-conscious of the oversized sweat shirt and jeans she most definitely plucked from the floor when she'd woken up this morning.

“Coffee?” she finally manages to spit out, brain moving at a hellishly slow rate.

He’s beginning to look irritated. “Yes. You have a sign outside advertising coffee. Most other places are closed.”

“Right, yes, of course.” She’s nodding too quickly, too enthusiastically, and he narrows his eyes a little. She turns, smacks her knee hard against the shelf underneath the register, then nearly knocks over the stack of disposable coffee cups. She can practically feel this man’s eye roll.

And of course she doesn’t have ground coffee beans prepared, and of course the coffee grinder doesn’t want to work until Rey tinkers with it just the right way. And of course she drops the coffee filters onto the floor, and of course, _of course_ , when Rey finally has the coffee brewing, time seems to slow to a pathetic crawl.

When she eventually turns back to the beautiful customer, his to-go coffee clutched in her hand, she wants to die a little. And if looks could kill, the expression on his face would have granted Rey her wish.

“That’ll be $2.75.” She says it with shame, unable to make eye contact as he hands her the exact change.

He pops open the lid to the coffee right there at the register and takes a very pointed sip. Then he promptly turns and spits it out onto the floor. The floor she’d already mopped for the night in order to make closing up that much easier.

“That sludge you just made me has grounds in it.” His deep voice is firm and matter-of-fact, and the petulant way he’s looking at her makes Rey begin to flush with embarrassment.

“It was an honest mistake, if you’d wait a moment I can make you—”

“No,” he snaps, cutting her off. “I can’t wait around for you to brew a decent cup of coffee. I do eventually have to go home, sleep, and get up for work tomorrow.”

His words sting. When Rey risks glancing up to look him in the eye she finds he’s staring down his nose at her, as if she’s the lowliest little thing in the world.

It makes anger begin to prick at her chest.

“I can give you your money back—”

He interrupts her again. “Yes, because god fucking knows that the shit you’re selling isn’t worth three bucks. Why would you even advertise coffee if this is what you’re going to give to people?” His deep voice is beginning to grow in volume, as if he’s getting on a roll and simply can’t help himself. He bends down and squints, making a point to inspect her nametag. “Tell me, have you ever actually brewed coffee before, Rey?”

She can feel her cheeks burning, can hear her heart hammering rapidly throughout her whole skull. She can only stare at him for a moment, shocked and trying to come up with some sort of retort that will put this annoyingly handsome asshole of a customer in his place when—

“What have you fucked up now, girl?”

Rey doesn’t have to look over her shoulder to see that Plutt has come behind the counter through the door leading to the staircase. She can smell the sour scent of liquor oozing out of his pores, as if its her boss's own kind of calling card.

Rey squares her shoulders, trying to sum up the rest of her dignity before facing this extremely unpleasant situation.

Plutt is ripping into her before she can open her mouth. “Did you break the goddamn espresso machine again?” He’s in her face, invading her boundaries, breath making her wince. “I told you to unplug and plug it back in if it wasn’t working right—”

“It wasn’t the espresso machine.”

Plutt’s meaty hand lands on her shoulder, hard. She manages the sharp ache of it, knowing there will be a bruise over that spot tomorrow. He drunkenly leans into her and she bears his weight, too humiliated to look up at the customer, knowing he’s probably getting off on watching her be so manhandled.

“So you’re telling me,” Plutt leers into her ear, “that you’re such a stupid bitch you fucked up a simple pot of coffee?”

She leans as far away from him as she can without breaking out of his grip. “I didn’t mean too. I was nervous—”

Plutt releases her, so abruptly she stumbles a little at the loss of his weight. “Useless,” he slurs. “No wonder no one’s come to see you on your birthday.”  
It crushes her.

It crushes her that the only person who knows that today is her birthday cares so little about her that he only mentions it in order to hurt her.

And he’s not wrong. She _is_ alone.

She feels a hot spike of deep shame. Rey works her lips together, willing the tears gathering in her eyes to stay there.

Plutt all but shoves her to the side as he turns his full attention onto the customer, who is still standing there.

Rey finally raises her gaze enough to get a brief view of him.

He isn’t looking at her. He’s drawn himself up to his full, impressive height and is glaring down at Plutt as if the wide, bulbous man is an insect in need of squishing.

The uppity, horrible way he’d spoken to her earlier pales in comparison to the thunderous fury that he’s projecting onto her boss. As if Plutt had deemed to cross some moral line the man has drawn up inside his head.

He puts the lid back on his coffee. “I’ve changed my mind. It tastes fine. I’ll keep it.” Each sentence is jolted. He is delivering them through clenched teeth.

Plutt snorts, then lets out a hearty laugh. He’s too drunk to truly care. “Suit yourself.” He turns back to Rey and, with a horrible twist of his mouth, snatches the measly change from her tiny tip jar and stuffs it into his pocket.

And then Plutt just leaves, as if he hadn’t come striding into the store and given Rey’s averagely sad day another stab of poison. 

She won’t look the customer in the eye, too scared she’ll spy pity. It makes her feel truly pathetic, that this ass of a man could feel sorry for her when it should be the other way around.

“Have a good evening,” she mumbles, voice empty. The store closes in four minutes and she couldn’t be more desperate for those minutes to pass.

Rey turns and presents the customer with her back until he finally leaves.

After she closes she goes to fetch her cupcake, only to find that Plutt has gotten to it first.

It’s the worst birthday she’ll ever have. 

**

The day after Rey Johnson's 19th birthday she sees _him_ again.

He walks in and immediately pauses at the door, as if surprised to find that she’s already watching him.

Rey had woken up that morning too numb to really dwell and give proper thought to the happenings of the night before, so she’s gone about most of today in a bit of a fog. The fog clears when she spots him, this pretty prick who was rude to her but sinister to Plutt. She doesn’t know what she thinks of him, so she settles on watching him as he walks hesitantly up to her register, a total one-eighty to his purposeful, pompous stride from the day before.

He clears his throat when he reaches her. “A coffee, please.”

She takes her sweet time brewing it, openly moving at a sloth’s pace. But he doesn’t glare and give her attitude like the day before. He simply observes her as she goes about grinding the beans and pouring them in the coffee filter. Sometimes Rey even gets the sense that his gaze is lingering on less than proper areas when her back is turned toward him.

After it’s down she slides his cup across the countertop towards him. He hands her exact change, eyes intently on her as she puts the tender into the register drawer.  
And then he reaches out again, a few simple dollar bills in hand.

Rey blinks, quirks an eyebrow in confusion. “You already paid?”

“It’s your tip.” Neither his gaze or hand waver. “Take it and put it in your pocket.” It’s a command. And the way he delivers it, voice rich and stern, as if he won’t accept her refusal of it… It makes her squirm a little, makes her heartbeat start to race.

She swallows, throat feeling a little dry, and accepts the cash he’s giving her.

He relaxes when she slips his offering into her pocket. “So that bloated slug won’t steal it from you.” His voice is low, quiet. As if he’s not used to being reassuring.

His whole change in demeanor from the night before fascinates Rey. And she can’t help but let out a soft snort at the ‘bloated slug’ comment, pink lips stretching out into a small but genuine smile.

He’s looking at her mouth like he’s just realized something very important. But before Rey can engage any further with him he coughs, wishes her goodnight, and leaves.

**

Two days after Rey Johnson’s 19th birthday _he_ returns again.

He returns, introduces himself as Ben Solo, and then asks her out to dinner.

She closes that night, along with every night until next Tuesday. She mentions going to a diner that's open late after she’s off, knowing she’ll regret it tomorrow morning when she’ll have to wake up for class. But right now she doesn’t care.

Ben orders a coffee and this time actually talks to her while she brews it for him.

“I’m sorry for the way I treated you the other night. You—It wasn’t you, I was having a shitty day and I took it out on you and you didn’t deserve that and I…” He trails off, eyes slightly wide. “Anyway, I’m sorry.”

Rey composes herself a little and smiles. “I kinda thought you were sorry when you came in yesterday and ordered the same crappy coffee that you'd slandered the night before.”

“It’s not crappy coffee.”

“It is.” She smirks a bit at him and he actually smiles back. It softens his whole face, makes him look younger.

Ben lingers in the store until it’s time to close.

**

At the diner she learns that Ben wants to be an actor.

He should be out west for that and he knows as much. “I’m tying up some family things here,” he explains over a mug of actually decent coffee. 

She sips from her own mug. “I’m studying in the journalism program at Coruscant U.”

His eyes pop a bit, clearly impressed. “That’s fantastic.” Then his gaze grows heated. “Beautiful _and_ smart.”

Rey flushes, pleased.

He walks her back to the store and doesn’t try to kiss her.

**

But he does kiss her the next night.

**

That’s how it starts, sweet and sudden and Rey is glad that she didn’t judge him too quickly. She would have missed _this_.

Missed his loyalty in the way he shows up to see her at the store every day, as if he was just as lonely as she was before all of this started. Missed his playfulness in the way he allows her to find his ticklish spot (his lower right rib). Missed his tenderness in the way he invites her over to his apartment one month in, cooks for her and kisses her between her legs after.

On one of her rare days off he takes her to the local science museum, somewhere she’d always wanted to go but had never made it to. He claims that they’re celebrating her birthday. He hasn’t mentioned her 19th birthday before now, and Rey wonders how long he’s been planning out this little surprise.

That night, one month and two days after Rey Johnson’s 19th birthday, she decides she’s in love with Ben Solo.

But she doesn’t tell him because she doesn’t know how to. Rey has never loved anyone before Ben. She can’t remember her parents well enough to love them, and she’s been isolated from having proper friends to love. But the way Ben makes her feel… She’s never felt anything like it before. The feeling that she would do just about anything to make him happy, to see him smile. Places in her chest ache for him when he’s away and she wants to spend all of her time with him, wants to know every part of him there is to know. The good and the bad.

Rey thinks maybe Ben feels the same.

He willingly spends all his spare time with her, never able to keep his hands off of her. As if she’s something he can’t believe has become a part of his life.

**

“How old are you?” she asks the night after they’d gone to the museum. 

Ben is reading in the one of the threadbare armchairs scattered throughout the store. He looks up at her from the book he’s holding in one hand. He’s silent for a beat. “I’m 28.”

Rey blinks at him for a moment before gathering control of her surprised expression. “Ah. I didn’t realize I was dating an old man.”

He narrows his eyes, but the corner of his mouth quirks in amusement.

Rey giggles and turns back to her schoolwork.

**

He’s hesitant about sleeping with her.

It would be her first time. She hasn’t actually said so aloud, but her inexperience isn’t something she manages to hide gracefully. It comes out in the way she’s not sure how to best go about giving him head, in the way the first time he makes her come on his fingers she screams at how sharply the pleasure makes her arch her back.  
But she loves Ben Solo and she’s tired of waiting.

Two months and one week after Rey Johnson’s 19 birthday she brings him down into the dingy room she lives in below Plutt’s store. She’s brought him here before; she’s not ashamed of her living space. She keeps it clean, does the most with what she has.

And he doesn’t seem to judge her for it. She knows in the protective way he crowds close to her whenever they’re here that he wants to say something, wants to sweep her away to something better. But she’s too prideful, and he already knows her well enough not to broach the topic just yet.

Tonight they sit on her bed, just talking for long hours until finally Rey pushes him down, climbs atop him. Ben doesn’t resist, just whispers, “Are you sure you want this?” into the skin of neck.

She wants Ben more then she can articulate. The love she feels for him is too much, enough to make her choke. So she simply nods, kissing his mouth and moaning when he rests his hands on her bare waist.

The slide of him deep inside of her hurts and burns until it _doesn’t_.

Rey moves hesitantly until he helps her set a rhythm, helps her slide up and down his length until the aching press of him turns into a churning heat deep in her belly.

He makes her come; the pleasure rips through her, so sharp she sobs with it. Rey is boneless when Ben pulls out of her and turns her over onto her stomach. His own orgasm pulls a gasp out of him, the sound making her flutter through an aftershock as his semen shoots across her ass.

**

Rey likes how sore she feels the next day.

**

Her spring semester continues this way.

For the first time in her life Rey doesn’t look to just her future in a hopeful way. She looks at her present with the same amazement, still not quite believing how suddenly her own perspective on life has changed.

**

Ben and Plutt despise each other. One day Rey’s former foster father ends up in the hospital with a broken foot. He refuses to tell the doctors precisely what happened and Ben is oddly coy when Rey speaks to him about it. 

It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together.

Rey doesn’t condone it and Plutt never turns up injured again. But some small, vengeful part of her is pleased.

**

It happens so suddenly.

Four months and two-and-a-half weeks after Rey Johnson’s 19th birthday she lands a full time job at a local radio station. The star of the station’s most popular show, Maz Kanada, had come into the store on a whim and struck up what had turned into a two hour conversation with Rey. She’d come back and offered her the job later that day. Plutt is furious when she tells him that she’ll no longer need to stay in his unfinished basement. She’ll go to school, live, and work full time somewhere else. She’s finally escaping Plutt after all this time.

And she has Ben.

**

She has Ben until she doesn’t.

**

Five months and three days after Rey Johnson’s 19th birthday Ben tells her he’s finally finished wrapping up the family business he has locally, and that he’s gotten an offer from a producer he knows through the university he attended. He’ll be moving out west to be an actor.

Rey starts to search for schools to go to in Chandrila, because of course she’s going to follow him. Of course she can’t imagine him walking out of her life when they’re finally finding their stride together. Finally beginning to settle into a life where loneliness isn’t the norm anymore.

But five months and six days after Rey Johnson’s 19th birthday Ben Solo breaks her heart.

It had been warm outside, almost summer, and Rey had just finished up her shift at the station.

He’d called her; that’d immediately set her off. Ben never calls her, hates talking on the phone. She answers it instantly, worried that there’s an emergency.

But he’s at the airport and his voice is breaking and he’s trying to say goodbye.

She freezes in the parking lot, unable to continue moving forward.

“You left?” She can barely push the words out of her mouth.

“Rey.” Ben puts reverence on her name when he speaks it. “You’ve got so much going for you in Coruscant. You’ve got school and your new job and I’m not going to let you sacrifice your education to follow me here. You deserve so much better then me, Rey. I—I should have never come back to the store after that first night. I shouldn’t have allowed this to happen when I knew I’d leave eventually. And you’re so young, Rey, I—”

It breaks her open, right down the middle. He’d made love to her the night before too. Pressed himself so deep inside of her she’d felt every throb of him, every shudder that moved throughout his sturdy body.

And in the end he did not think she, or any of it, had been worth it.

She hangs up on him before he can hear the way her voice cracks, the way it always does before she cries.

It’s her first heartbreak and she recovers by locking away all the pain and pressing it down, down until she can pretend that Ben Solo never happened. That the sudden blip of her life where they’d been involved is an inconsequential thing that doesn’t matter.

Perhaps it’s not healthy, but she copes. She copes, and lives her life.

**

On her 20th birthday Rey Johnson is alone but not alone. She doesn’t mention the occasion to any of her coworkers, choosing instead to treat the day like any other. After turning 19 she’s found that perhaps birthdays and birthday celebrations aren’t in the cards for someone like her. So she goes to work, then goes to a movie, then goes out to dinner, then does shopping at the places that are still open. Then she goes back to her home and the day is over. 

**

On her 21st birthday Rey Johnson heads to the bar around the corner of her cheap apartment complex. 

She slides onto a stool, asks the bartender for the least expensive draft on tap, shows him her ID, then proceeds to sip her beer morosely. 

She’s growing to hate her birthdays. 

A guy slides onto the stool next to her, looking just as glum faced as she feels. She watches him out of the corner of her eye as he order a Jack and Coke and then sits with his elbows propped up on the bar top. 

Before taking the first swallow, he abruptly turns to Rey and raises his glass to her. “It’s my 21st birthday and I’m all alone, so this one’s for you, buddy. Hope your evening is going better than mine. 

Rey blinks, then snorts. She raises her beer and knocks it gently with his. “Funny, it’s my 21st as well. And I’m also alone.”

His mouth parts a little in surprise. Then he sticks out his free hand for a shake. “Well, want to celebrate together? I’m Finn.”

She takes his offered handshake. “Works for me. I’m Rey.”

They become inseparable. 

**

On her 22nd birthday Rey Johnson catches food poisoning from an oyster cafe that Finn had insisted they try out. He either wanted to go out to eat or see the new Batman reboot starring relatively unknown actor Ben Solo. "The reviews are amazing," Finn had said. "It's supposed to be incredible."

So Rey opts for the oysters.

She spends the majority of the day hunched over the toilet. 

**

On her 23rd birthday Rey Johnson convinces Finn to record an episode of a podcast. 

He’d been skeptical. 

But Rey had insisted. “We'll drink and just talk, and I want the whole theme to about opening up and being honest with ourselves and our past." 

Finn had still been skeptical, but had relented. 

They end up playing Never Have I Ever while recording. Finn delves into what it had been like for him to grow up gay in a religious family and how coming out had nearly ruined his relationship with his beloved grandmother. 

Rey talks about Ren, her first love and heartbreak. And after the 4th cocktail she admits she hasn’t even had sex with anyone since him. 

They end the first episode of her podcast, which Rey dubs _The Best Policy_ , discussing which Marvel superhero Rey would most enjoy breaking her dry spell with. 

**

On her 24th birthday Rey Johnson spends it packing up her entire apartment. The podcast has been picked up by a well known network and in order to expand the kind of guests she’d like to have, Rey is moving out west to Chandrila. As the podcast’s official producer, Finn is joining her. 

She leaves Coruscant without looking back. Because _good riddance_. 

**

On her 25th birthday Rey Johnson goes to the beach. She has margaritas in the sand and enjoys her luxury suite of a hotel room. 

There’s a billboard with Ben Solo’s face plastered on it, an ad for his new Batman film. 

Rey ignores it. Rey ignores everything having to do with now-famous-Chandrila-actor Ben Solo. 

It’s like he doesn’t even exist. And she would like to keep it that way. 

**

Rey Johnson celebrates her 26th birthday in Chandrila with Finn.

They’re in her new house that she owns, sitting on her expensive couch that she purchased for herself, drinking top notch champagne that she’d gone out to the local liquor store and bought just this morning.

She grins, clinks her glass with Finn’s.

It’s the start of what’s sure to be another excellent year for Rey and her career. Her podcast, _The Best Policy with Rey Johnson_ , is now award winning. It was featured on several yearend lists, and the podcast launched its own fan club just last September. It’s number one on iTunes week after week.

Rey is on top of the world.

She drains the last of her champagne before stretching out across her couch, laying her head in Finn’s lap and sighing contentedly. “I can’t believe the podcast is only three years old.”

The concept is still as simple as it was the first episode. Rey sits down with someone and the two of them spill their secrets. She's had on all sorts of guests throughout the years: politicians, famous chefs, comedians, and then more high profile celebrities like actors and actresses and directors.

Rey’s life has taken such a complete turn from what it had been. The girl working in Plutt’s store seems like a ghost, a shell of who she is now. 

She doesn’t miss that part of her life.

Finn pats her head, brushes some hair from her forehead with his fingertips.

“Ah, before I forget, there’s been a mix up for Thursday’s recording.”

Rey’s hazel eyes flutter open and she regards her best friend with a curious tilt of her head. “Did Netal flake again?”

Finn gives her a knowing smile. “Right you are, Peanut. Scheduling conflict with some fancy benefit she’s supposed to host.”

Rey rolls her eyes up at him. “She just feels as if podcasts are beneath her. A lot of these snobby Chandrila movie types do.”

Finn gives a disagreeing shake of his head. “Well, yes, but because she dropped out the studio is sending in her costar to replace her.”

Rey’s whole body freezes.

Suddenly she’s sick.

“What?”

Finn doesn’t seem to notice her sudden shift in mood. “They’re sending in Ben Solo for you to record with instead. And honestly I think that’s a fantastic trade off. I mean, he was nominated for an Isaac last year for that indie movie he did with Dameron, plus everyone loves him as Batman. And ever since he split from First Order he’s been all over the—”

“I know who Ben Solo is.” Rey snaps out the words so harshly Finn immediately falls silent.

Rey sits up and gets off the couch, immediately grabbing the half full champagne bottle and refilling her glass. She takes a hearty sip as her mind soars into hyperdrive over what's just been revealed to her.

“So, Ben Solo is going to be on the show on Thursday. He’s recording with us.”

Finn is looking up at her, concerned. He nods. “Yeah, his team already confirmed with us.”

Rey swallows back bile. “Finn, remember the ex that I sometimes bring up?”

She doesn’t really need to ask, because of course he does. Rey dives deep into her depressing past quite often on her show; it’s part of what’s made her famous. But she hasn’t given away too much about the first man to ever break her heart. Just enough to keep listeners satisfied, not enough to truly bring up what has long been buried.

Finn looks growingly apprehensive. “Ren?”

“It’s a fake name. I made it up.”

“Well, yeah. Peanut, have you ever met someone named ‘Ren’ before?”

Rey inhales deeply, then lets it out with a whoosh. “'Ren' is Ben Solo. I—we dated briefly, before I got on the radio. Before we ever met, before I ever started the show, and before we moved out here.”  
Finn blinks at her stupidly. Then he bends over, laughing hysterically.

“Rey, this is—“ he gasps for air, “—the _dumbest_ joke you’ve ever tried to tell me.”

She waits until his laughter starts to trail off before she reiterates her point. “I’m perfectly serious. We…”

She hates remembering him. She’s never—she’s never properly dealt with the pain, really, of falling in love so fast and then having it all ripped away in the span of one phone call. Rey doesn’t think about Ben Solo anymore. She’s never seen any of his movies. She changes the channel when he appears on her favorite talk shows. She refuses to buy chip bags with Batman's stupid fucking face on them at the grocery store.

As far as Rey Johnson is concerned, Ben Solo doesn’t exist. Just Ren and her fleeting, disassociating memories of him.

She’s been quiet for too long and Finn picks up on what she’s trying to imply.

“We meet on my 19th birthday.” She pauses, realizing. “We met 7 years ago.”

“Peanut,” Finn breathes. “I wish you would have told me sooner.”

Rey shrugs, not wanting to let on to how terrified she feels at the prospect of seeing him again. And technically at her work no less.

She’s going to lose her mind.

**

Four days after Rey Johnson’s 26th birthday she wakes up a nervous wreck two hours before her alarm is set to go off.

She showers, spends way too long blow drying her hair and picking out an outfit. Usually she’s casual and laid back with what she wears—a benefit of podcasting. But today is a completely different kind of day.

Today is going to be something else.

She walks into the building where she records in downtown Chandrila like it’s just any other day. She walks into the elevator like she’s not about to see her ex for the first time in 7 years. She wonders if he knows about how she’s remained single since then, a point she’s brought up before on her show. She has no idea what his status is; she goes out of her way not to check.

She walks into the studio and there he is. Ben Solo is early.

And a strong part of her wants to kill him for it. He and his agent are talking to Finn, the three of them sounding lively and jovial.

Rey wants to throw up. The door bangs closed behind her, causing the three of them to turn and regard her. Finn looks suddenly nervous on her behalf, Ben’s assistant looks coolly professional, and Ben… Ben looks like he’s been hit in the face with a sledgehammer. The expression is blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, but Rey catches the flash of emotion before Ben can hide it away.

She thinks, with a jolt, that perhaps he’s stored away all his feelings about their relationship deep down inside his own being. Just like her.

She shakes his assistant’s hand first as she introduces herself, drawing on all of her strength to remain poised in this moment.

Then she turns to Ben and holds out her hand.

He takes it and just…

Ben had been handsome before but now he's breathtaking, really. His simple jeans and tight, long-sleeved black shirt make him mouthwatering, and his eyes seem even more intense then she remembers. All her memories of him start flitting out of their hiding spot, the memories she's tried very hard throughout the years to keep locked away. It isn't _fair_.

Ben's skin seems to burn against her own. Shuddering, she lets the two of them have contact for three brief seconds before snatching her hand away.

Rey holds herself together as they sit down, sip their waters and clear their throats. And then they record.

**

Rey doesn’t really remember the process of recording. Just that before she knows it it’s over and Ben Solo and his team are leaving the building.

**

After it’s initial release Ben's episode becomes Rey's most popular one to date. It goes something like this: 

There's a pause and a sniff from Rey. "Good afternoon, dear listeners, and welcome to _The Best Policy with Rey Johnson_. Rey Johnson is me, as most of you know, and today my guest is a hotly requested one, Issac nominated actor Ben Solo. How are you doing today, Ben?"

He clears his throat briefly before answering. "Oh, certainly can't complain."

"You were early today."

A quiet huff of a laugh that comes from nerves. "Yeah, ha, I was."

"Don't take this as a knock against your profession, but I've found that most Chandrila actor types are usually the running-ten-minutes-behind kinda folks."

"I don't take it as a knock; it's true. I got here early today because I'm actually a pretty big fan of this show."

A sharp intake of breath from Rey. "O-Oh? You're a listener?"

"Indeed. I've been listening since the very first episode."

There's a long moment of silence, as if Rey can't wrap her head around what he's just said. "That's, wow. Thank you, that's really awesome. Most of my guests aren't listeners—"

"I feel like I'm probably not like most of your guests."

"Well, no. You aren't."

There's a beat of quiet, as if Rey and her guest are exchanging a heated look from where they're seated next to each other at the recording table. "I like the concept of the show," Ben finally continues. "The honesty policy. It's cool to hear others talking about their lives in an open way. It makes your listeners feel less alone." He takes a deep breath; the exhale of it shudders into the microphone. 

Rey clears her throat again. "Does listening make _you_ feel less alone, Ben?"

"Yes. It makes me feel closer to you."

**

They exchange numbers. Rey assures herself it's for professional reasons and professional reasons only.

But see, Rey has gotten better about not being able to lie to herself anymore.

So three days after the episode airs, three days of her email and phone exploding with questions like, _"What is going on between you and Ben Solo?_

_"Do you two have history? Is he **Ren**?"_

_"Why was this episode the shortest one you've ever recorded? It was only twenty minutes long."_

So she absolutely looses it when Ben texts her for the first time in seven years.

_listened to it. you sound great. no surprise there._

Rey wants to respond with _you fucking broke my heart_ , but instead she types out and sends a _thanks_

_get dinner with me_

She says _fine_ and hates herself a little for it.

**

Two weeks after Rey Johnson's 26th birthday she goes on a date with Ben Solo. At first it's the weirdest date she's ever been on because paparazzi are taking pictures of her, shouting out questions to her, trying to shuffle in front of her to get the most unflattering photos possible. Ben barrels through them with Rey in tow as if the paps are nothing, just another evil necessity that comes along with living his dream.

But paparazzi aside, it ends up being a good date. The restaurant he takes her to serves gourmet food in a fun atmosphere. Not so fancy that she feels out of place.

But the best part is when they go to his penthouse apartment after. They sit and drink wine and she doesn't need to tell him about meeting Finn and starting the podcast because Ben has already listened to her talk about it on her show. So she talks about her everyday life, the rudest celebrity she's ever had as a guest who apparently Ben also hates ("Yeah, I worked with Hux on the Dameron film we starred in together. He's an ass."), and what she tentatively has planned for her future.

And fuck, she's starting to think her future could include him again.

**

Two months after Rey Johnson's 26th birthday she invites Ben Solo over to her house. They're technically dating, albeit taking things at a snails pace, both constantly careful around the other. Still, inviting him over today is a spur of the moment thing. 

He agrees and it turns into one of the more special days of her life, perhaps because of it's spontaneity. Neither of them knew that the day would end with her astride him, bottom lip between her teeth as she swirls her hips. They both finish within minutes of starting; it's been a long time since either of them has been intimate. They don't ask the other how long. They can't just yet.

**

Three months after her 26th birthday Rey Johnson calls Ben Solo at 3am.

She's shocked when he answers on the second ring. She'd convinced herself that he would be asleep and that he wouldn't pick up. She's wrong.

"Rey?" His voice is raspy and he sounds panicked. "Is everything okay? Do you need me to—"

"It's fine. I'm fine," she's quick to reassure him. "I just..." And then her voice breaks.

"You broke my heart that day, Ben." It's a confession she needs to push out of her body, but when she finally releases it she suddenly feels as light as a feather. As if all the pain she had pushed done that day when she was 19, so young and so vulnerable yet so in love, has resurfaced. But it's not just pain—love has resurfaced too. 

"Oh, Rey." She bites her lip at the tenderness she hears. "I broke my own heart that day."

**

Six months after Rey Johnson's 26th birthday are the Isaac's. Ben has been nominated again, this time for the Best Actor award. The buzz around Chandrila is that it's as good as his.

Rey opted not to go as his date, despite the fact that he invited her. It's mostly because Rey would rather cut off her own ear then dress up and go to one of these high-stress functions. Going to podcasting events makes her anxious enough and they're not even half as grand an event as the Isaac's. And she also doesn't go because the world is still obsessed with her and Ben and what they were to each other. What they _are_ to each other. And both of them would like to keep those answers fairly private for the time being.

That is, until Ben Solo wins Best Actor and goes up on stage to give his acceptance speech to the millions of people watching.

He thanks his agent, Mitaka, as well as his mother and late father. He skips thanking his famous-actor uncle; the press will surely talk about that in the morning. But then he thanks Rey and everyone forgets about the snub.

"And last but most assuredly not least, I'd like to thank Rey Johnson. Thank you for putting grounds in my coffee that one day, sweetheart. I love you."

**Author's Note:**

> For six4au, I hope you liked! Admittedly, I probably WAY overthought your prompts and went through about 100 different versions of this story before I finally settled on whatever this turned out to be, haha. Once again, I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> Also lets just all sit and reflect for a moment on how awesome a Batman Adam Driver would be.
> 
> Come say hello on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LikeADove_)!
> 
> If you liked let me know?


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